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Saturday, April 13, 2024

There are 22 Geralts, and we ranked them all

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Instead of doing something useful with our time, we’ve ranked all the Geralts we could think of. You know: Witcher 3 Geralt, book Geralt, Polish TV series Geralt, Tub Geralt—the Geralts. It’s not worth thinking too much about why we decided to do this, because the reason is really just that someone said “let’s rank all the Geralts” and no one said no before it happened. Aside from myself, PC Gamer’s Geralt ranking committee includes:

  • Jody Macgregor, Weekend Editor
  • Lauren Aitken, Guides Editor
  • Robert Jones, Magazine Editor
  • Ted Lichfield, Associate Editor
  • Fraser Brown, Online Editor
  • Andy Chalk, News Lead

To arrive at this master tier list, I first asked each expert to create their own Geralt tier list, explaining their choices. I then compared their lists, considered their arguments, and used the scientific “ehh, that seems about right” method to sort the witchers from S-tier (the best) to F-tier (barely even a Geralt).

Without further ado, here is our definitive Geralt tier list:

S-Tier

Tub Geralt

We didn’t have to explain the value of this Geralt when we started posting him on Twitter several years ago: It was intuitively understood then, and should remain so now. It’s Geralt, and he’s in a tub. What more do you need to know?

Witcher 3 Geralt (not in a tub)

We all agreed that, even when he’s not in a tub, The Witcher 3’s Geralt is a top-tier Geralt, even better than the Geralt he’s based on. Andy called him “mature” and “dignified,” and Jody said he’s voice actor Doug Cockle’s “best performance, coherent whether steered by the player to be generous and forgiving or a gruff haggler who cares only for Gwent.”

Good job, Witcher 3 Geralt: You’re the best Geralt, both in and out of the tub.

A-Tier

Book Geralt

The Geralt that started it all. “Headband wearer, philosopher, man who likes to have his say whenever the authorial voice takes a break from describing every nearby woman’s boobs,” said Jody.

Henry Cavill Geralt

A gruff, muscley softy with a wig that improves over time. “Toss him a coin, he was better than you expected,” Andy said.

Lauren Aitken’s Geralt Tattoo

Lauren was the only one to rank this majestic Geralt, who happens to live on Lauren.

Maul Geralt from that NSFW cosplay calendar

“I got the calendar, thanks,” said Lauren, who was also the only one to rank this Geralt. It is a very accurate cosplay.

B-Tier

Witcher 2 Geralt

I like this Geralt because he looks mean. “Probably the fiercest-looking Geralt,” said Robert. “A proper weapon. But lacking a bit in character at times.”

Big Geralt

This is a Geralt we found in the image gallery for a mod called Finger Lickin’ Geraldo. We like him because he’s large.

Soul Calibur 6 Geralt

Robert reckons that this is the “most handsome Geralt,” and argues that he’s a better fighter than Witcher 3 Geralt, who tends to twirl about a bit too much. Improved swordsmanship has earned him a respectable B grade.

Geralt from that Polish TV series

Jody thinks the Geralt who appeared in early-2000s Polish TV show Wiedźmin (which was also condensed into a movie) is underrated. He’s “explicitly a younger version of Geralt, only starting his career, and with a bit more idealism thanks to that,” Jody said. 

Jody also had praise for the show’s Jaskier, but we are not rating Jaskiers until someone says in a meeting, “Let’s rank Jaskiers.”

Massage therapist Geralt

@alexdrastal

♬ Holding out for a Hero (from “Footloose”) – Bonnie Tyler

This Geralt probably would’ve ranked higher if any of us had personally received a Geralt massage, but alas, we have not experienced the firm but mindful touch of the witcher.

C-Tier

Witcher 1 Geralt

This Geralt really tested my “ehh, that seems about right” system. “So horny I couldn’t even convince a lady to give me lessons in the elvish language without the game immediately cutting to an awkward sex scene,” said Jody, who put Witcher 1 Geralt in the D-tier (you just can’t escape his horniness). Andy, however, put this Geralt in the A-tier for the very same reason, noting only that he’s a “non-stop sex machine.” Two others gave this Geralt a B. 

In the end, I concluded that, ehh, C-tier seems about right for this Geralt, who hadn’t mastered facial expressions yet.

Gewalf of Wivia

Geralt earns his knighthood as Gewalf of Wivia in Gwent spin-off Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales. An A-tier moment, but Geralt is only in the game for about five minutes, dragging this cameo down to C-tier.

Manga Geralt

No one had a strong opinion about this Geralt, so I put him here in the C-tier: a passing grade with no strong feelings for or against. It’s the 7 out of 10 of tiers.

Canceled ’90s tank control game Geralt

“He chunky,” said Ted, who also praised this Geralt for his PS1 horror game vibes.

Nendoroid Geralt

This big-headed figurine borrows some S-tier glory by transforming into Tub Geralt.

Monster Hunter Geralt

Robert called this Geralt “Chipmunk Geralt” because of his wide jaw. He’s not otherwise very notable since he only sticks around for one hunt, but he is voiced by Doug Cockle, which helps.

D-Tier

McFarlane Geralt

Despite the face being “slightly off,” Robert likes this “faithful and strong” Geralt and placed him in the B-tier. Lauren, however, gave this Geralt’s wonky face a D, and Lauren has a Geralt tattoo, so I’m going with her.

Lost Ark Geralt

“It’s not his fault Lost Ark’s Witcher crossover was underwhelming, but I still can’t even look at him,” lamented Jody.

Fortnite Geralt

He looks like Geralt, but he’s got that plastic skin all Fortnite characters have. Smooth Geralt just doesn’t do it for us like Big Geralt does.

F-Tier

Funko Geralt

Can’t even pose him. Useless.

 Gerlat

“Gerlat” is a misspelling of “Geralt” that I frequently type by accident. I did it several times while working on this article, and I do it so often that he’s become a distinct type of off-brand Geralt to me. The image above is a drawing I did of what I think Gerlat looks like.

Unranked

Liam Hemsworth Geralt

This is an unproven Geralt and thus he cannot be ranked yet. His tier will be determined after he takes over for Henry Cavill, if any of us still remember that we made this list.

Gerald of the Riviera

A guy named Gerald appears in a game called Arcade Paradise as your dad, and he’s in the Riviera. Is he truly a Geralt? He is voiced by Doug Cockle, which is a very Geralt-like thing to be, but Geralt is from Rivia, not the Riviera, so I’m going to say no. Does it make sense that I ranked a typo, but not this? I’m going to say… yes. It makes sense, and isn’t just because someone mentioned this game after I’d already settled on 22 Geralts.

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